Perspectives

I finally had some "me time" today. As an only child, I've fought to have as much social interaction as possible. However, we all need time to disconnect from the world. Today was that day.

It taught me something, perhaps more of a reminder.

I'm broken.

Very broken.

Lost.

I have been for awhile now. The world doesn't know, but I am. I'm lost spiritually and I feel as though I lack direction. I haven't "experienced" God in nearly 2 years. I go to church each Sabbath. I hang out mostly with the "flock." In all appearance, I'm still a good little Adventist boy. I want more. I want to be more than just a hopeful deist.

So, I decided to dig again. I've said I'm trying to find God before. I've had good stints for a few weeks and maybe even a month. I want a considerable dig. The plan is to read everything by Rob Bell in the next month (each for the 2nd time), followed by Donald Miller (also for the 2nd time) before reading The Case For Christ and then maybe something by an atheist. I want to know what I believe. I have no expectations. I just want to experience God and don't want to stop trying to find Him.

I started Velvet Elivs tonight.


It's already forcing me to rethink the expectations I thought I didn't have.

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks:

"The moment God is figured out with nice neat lines and definitions, we are no longer dealing with God. We are dealing with somebody we made up. And if we made him up, then we are in control (25)."

I don't know what to expect, but even subconsciously I want to be in control. That is difficult to give up, especially when my beliefs have been stripped bare.

My perspectives have changed so much in two years, in five years and ten. I'm curious to see how they'll change in the next two, five, ten years...