competition

Competition often finds me at my worst.

Last night, for instance, found me swearing, kicking a fence twice, taking my jersey off and yelling at referees during an intramural football game against some friends and softball teammates. My competitiveness isn’t at all a new phenomenon. I’ve always been competitive. In elementary school, this led to some extremely non-fun lectures from my parents… It hasn’t gone away, though I’ve made a conscious effort to address it, especially after I have my annual kick the fence tirade each season in softball intramurals.

This season has been better, though the Michael’s on my team have had to calm me down a couple times (but I never let my competitive spirit get the best of me, like last night). Last night should have been different. Because I realized it at halftime. I even gave a little speech to my teammates where I promised to be better and to lead by example. I failed. This team was A-league worthy and we’re in B-League, yes. However, it doesn’t give me the excuse to behave how I did. As a team captain, I have to lead by example. Tom Landry, a great former NFL coach once said, “When you want to win a game, you have to teach. When you lose a game, you have to learn.”

I’m learning right now…

Because at our next game, I want competition to find me at my best.

happiness

For me, happiness is sitting in my living room. Drinking hot chocolate. Listening to The Beatles' Abbey Road on my roommates vinyl. Reading about spiritual worldview. Putting off a paper. That's the life.

adventure

I'm a man and I hate asking for directions. This story proves that point.

Friday afternoon, we were getting ready to leave for the Theology Retreat. I was supposed to ride with Tommy (who knew where we were going) and others, but instead, I decided to ride with Chad and Jonny (who didn't know where they were going) so that I could help them find the destination. Because I'd been to Camp Elkanah before. Four years before... So no need to pick up a map...

We started driving and I at least remembered that the camp was near LaGrande, Oregon. And I thought it was near the freeway...

Then we got to LaGrande. And I was confused. So I texted my boss, who grew up in LaGrande. He told me the exit number, and we'd only passed it by 10 miles or so...

We turned around and were sure it was on the north side of the freeway. After driving onto private property and through many dark and remote roads, Jonny declared "this isn't it." So we turned around...

The sign for an information center sounded great. But we couldn't find that. But a mile down the road, we did find a house where two guys were skinning a buck they'd killed only hours before (they wouldn't shake Chad's hand because their hands were bloody). And they told us the truth: that the camp was 10 miles down the road and on the right. So much for my "near the freeway" theory. So much for me being the one who helped guide...

We made it, but we missed dinner have arrived an hour and a half late (but microwaves are amazing...). It was an adventure full of great conversations. I have no regrets.

hope

It seems that so many of my friends are going through the worst times of their lives. Death. Pain. Heartache. You name it. It's horrible... and I really don't know what to tell them. I wish I did. I've given out extra hugs. I've tried to just be. But I wonder if I'm actually doing any good. But when it's all said and done I just have to hope. To believe that this wasn't what life was intended to be like. To hope that things will get better. Because without hope, what's the point?

failure

I'm a workaholic.

I always have been.

As a freshman in high school, I worked so much and spread myself out so much that I had only 1-2 hours a night even available to do homework.

In Pohnpei, my roommates had to kidnap me from my classroom sometimes. I had trouble saying no and was thus involved in the following: JV basketball coach, boys and girls softball coach, debate coach, church elder, youth leader (vespers, Sabbath School, hospital ministry, prison ministry, etc.). I didn't sleep.

08-09 school year = 30+ hours work per week between 3 jobs.

09-10 school year = The Collegian and my senior paper

This school year, it's directed reading. Lots of it. I need to read 5000 pages for just 6 of my 16 credits.

I'm behind. Hundreds of pages behind already. I've already turned in an essay late. I'm beginning to stress. A lot. I have options, none good, each expensive. I know it's false, but I feel as though I'm a failure if I don't finish everything. However, I don't think it's possible to do all my reading while also working 15 hours... I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been superhuman (and too stressed to be happy) in the past and I feel like I'm abandoning that part of myself right now and that I'm failing myself and everyone.

I just want everything to work out.

quick judgments

Doubt brought acceptance into my life. Agnostics. Homosexuals. Yankees fans (wait, never…). Democrats. You may laugh, but this all of these groups seemed blasphemous and nearly evil to me as recently as three years ago. I wouldn’t have stated it vocally unless provoked, but those feelings were there. Then I began to doubt and everything changed… 

This week I was sad to find that old Dustin had returned in small doses. I attended a George Packer lecture at Whitman this past Wednesday. As he bashed Bush and praised Obama, my anger rose. I wanted to tune him out entirely and nearly did. I convinced myself to look past and hope. I was rewarded with a lecture that stretched beyond partisanship regarding the war in Afghanistan. Why was I so quick to judge?

I had a friend who was scared to tell me something out of fear I’d judge them. When I found out, I was proud of myself for giving a hug and thinking positively. I explained that the old Dustin would have judged but that I’d changed. Little did I realize that I’d soon fail another friend within a few mere hours. I won’t share the details, but I’m embarrassed that I could ignore the aforementioned statement so readily and let something bother me so much.

Values are important. Yes. I’m happy with mine. However, I want nothing more than to be someone that can listen to anyone talking about anything… without judging… I’ve made progress overall in my life and I’m proud about that. However, this shows that I have room to grow.