hope

It seems that so many of my friends are going through the worst times of their lives. Death. Pain. Heartache. You name it. It's horrible... and I really don't know what to tell them. I wish I did. I've given out extra hugs. I've tried to just be. But I wonder if I'm actually doing any good. But when it's all said and done I just have to hope. To believe that this wasn't what life was intended to be like. To hope that things will get better. Because without hope, what's the point?

failure

I'm a workaholic.

I always have been.

As a freshman in high school, I worked so much and spread myself out so much that I had only 1-2 hours a night even available to do homework.

In Pohnpei, my roommates had to kidnap me from my classroom sometimes. I had trouble saying no and was thus involved in the following: JV basketball coach, boys and girls softball coach, debate coach, church elder, youth leader (vespers, Sabbath School, hospital ministry, prison ministry, etc.). I didn't sleep.

08-09 school year = 30+ hours work per week between 3 jobs.

09-10 school year = The Collegian and my senior paper

This school year, it's directed reading. Lots of it. I need to read 5000 pages for just 6 of my 16 credits.

I'm behind. Hundreds of pages behind already. I've already turned in an essay late. I'm beginning to stress. A lot. I have options, none good, each expensive. I know it's false, but I feel as though I'm a failure if I don't finish everything. However, I don't think it's possible to do all my reading while also working 15 hours... I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been superhuman (and too stressed to be happy) in the past and I feel like I'm abandoning that part of myself right now and that I'm failing myself and everyone.

I just want everything to work out.

quick judgments

Doubt brought acceptance into my life. Agnostics. Homosexuals. Yankees fans (wait, never…). Democrats. You may laugh, but this all of these groups seemed blasphemous and nearly evil to me as recently as three years ago. I wouldn’t have stated it vocally unless provoked, but those feelings were there. Then I began to doubt and everything changed… 

This week I was sad to find that old Dustin had returned in small doses. I attended a George Packer lecture at Whitman this past Wednesday. As he bashed Bush and praised Obama, my anger rose. I wanted to tune him out entirely and nearly did. I convinced myself to look past and hope. I was rewarded with a lecture that stretched beyond partisanship regarding the war in Afghanistan. Why was I so quick to judge?

I had a friend who was scared to tell me something out of fear I’d judge them. When I found out, I was proud of myself for giving a hug and thinking positively. I explained that the old Dustin would have judged but that I’d changed. Little did I realize that I’d soon fail another friend within a few mere hours. I won’t share the details, but I’m embarrassed that I could ignore the aforementioned statement so readily and let something bother me so much.

Values are important. Yes. I’m happy with mine. However, I want nothing more than to be someone that can listen to anyone talking about anything… without judging… I’ve made progress overall in my life and I’m proud about that. However, this shows that I have room to grow.